Resumes

The don'ts of resumes and cover letters.

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

• Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

• It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

• Marital status: Single, Unmarried, Unengaged, Uninvolved. No commitments.

• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

• Personal interests: Donating blood, fourteen gallons so far.

• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

• Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.

• Marital status: Often. Children: Various.

• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.

• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

• Finished eighth in my class of ten.

• References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

• Personal Thumbnail: Exceeds expectations. Gets the job done. Can have tea with the Queen on Sunday and longnecks with the boys at the ice house on Monday.